Form: Diary

( My autism makes crying children absolutely intolerable. It has taken me to my 50’s to develop the ability to distance myself from it. And even then I can only do it for short periods. )

SINGLE AGAIN

(diary)

Well I am not sure we ever were a couple really, but I’m single again, if I wasn’t before. 😉 It was … only a little painful. I seem to have a thing for ice-queens. 😉

(diary)

Some days (some months or seasons) like yesterday, I just want to forget it. Give it up. Then days like today I look at the outline of the whole book, and what it means for my people if not all mankind, and I think that my feelings don’t matter. That this is something that must be done, and it is not a man’s choice to make when moral consequences are so high. After all. what is the difference between martial sacrifice, political sacrifice, economic sacrifice, intellectual sacrifice, and emotional sacrifice other than the rapidity of the expenditure of the energy, and the duration of the suffering necessary for the sacrifice? And honestly, “fuck you” to the people who are too selfish and ignorant to understand that these are sacrifices for moral ends. And that regardless of our sacrifices, we choose to make them despite the penalty we pay for them. Some people for accolades. Some people for duty that we understand. Some of moral duty beyond our understanding – because regardless of the price, the failure to pay it is more horrific than the high price of paying.

( really, really, really bad day. no idea why. the magic and monstrous autistic machine in my head has latched onto some problem or other and although I can’t see anything yet, I can sure as hell ‘feel it’ back there crushing rocks – and whatever it’s doing I don’t like it. I wonder what it’s like for normal people. Do normal people know what’s bothering them? Usually, my aspie machine freaks when it senses uncertainty. It wants the same ritual every day. It doesn’t like change at all. I wants to do what it wants, regardless of what I want. Right now it wants to do something there than what I’m doing. )

WINDOW INTO MY WORK STYLE

(I find this humorous myself)

I have open right now a script for a presentation I’m working on for a pitch to a company.

I have three relatively long posts open on three different subjects.

When I have another idea I open another window and jot it down.

I bounce between these ideas and work on what comes to mind. I do not try to control my mind. I just ‘let it happen’. When I try I have to fight the huge steam-powered autistic monster in my head. So I just go with it.

This has turned out to be really effective method of working. Not disciplining my mind, but moving between ideas as it desires to.

When I tell people ‘just write’ this is the best way to do it that I know of. Write what your intuition wants to. Over time you will develop skill at using your intution.

Reason is weak. That’s why.

Looks like I’m going to disassociate from Ukraine and switch tactics a bit. See if I can pull this off full time, or near full-time somehow. I have a crazy idea. I doubt I can do it. But it might just be interesting.

( Just finished great chat with Nick Heywood in Australia who made me painfully jealous of Aussie life. Love you brother. Thank you. )

I wonder what it’s like for manic depressives. Must be very hard. Today I got some preservatives in my food again. (It was so good it was worth it). But I literally can’t do anything other than write because I literally can’t trust my emotions or intuitions. Imagine not even knowing you couldn’t trust your intuition at all. For me it’s a little like being stoned without the sensory delay. I feel very @floaty@