( Second day on antibiotics to try to kill whatever has been screwing my health for the past year. And damn, I can breathe so much better already. And I notice the change in my mood, and ability. )
Source date (UTC): 2016-11-05 13:02:00 UTC
Form: Diary
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(diary entry) (You know, I love my god, but sometimes I wish he would use a litt
(diary entry)
(You know, I love my god, but sometimes I wish he would use a little less … unpleasant means … of telling me what I need to do next. … Now, I admit that it is very hard to get through my thick skull and past the autism-barrier. And sure, I admit that I get stuck on sidetracks easily. And I admit most of all that I am resistant to changes in context. But given that I have devoted my entire life to his service. And despite the fact that he seems to be very demanding, and not terribly kind, you would think he would drop solutions and encouragement a little more obviously in my lap than the rather circuitous and painful route he almost always chooses. I am not selfish enough to think that he is testing me. I don’t think I have all that much agency anyway – I think I am merely a resource that will serve a purpose or be expended in trying. But the whole whip-the-boy-until-he-does-it kind of thing just seems … less productive than more proactive methods might be. … Now you see, I believe in god, I talk to god every day. I pray to him frequently. It’s a pretty personal relationship. But my god is nothing like the gods of Semites. That is just a stage costume or the masses. If I read history, he is far more like one of the original British, Germanic, Norse, and Greco-roman gods. And about as charming – so to speak. But it works for me. )
Source date (UTC): 2016-11-03 14:19:00 UTC
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Watching two old women. Taking care of a old man – clearly on the way to senilit
Watching two old women.
Taking care of a old man – clearly on the way to senility.
He keeps saying he wants a turkey sandwich.
They keep asking him questions about what he wants on the sandwich
Chich only confuses the shit out of him.
Connecticut is dying the same way.
For more than a century it was the finest place to live on earth.
Puritan women poisoned it.
Italians exhausted it.
Catholics killed it
Jews sold off the carcass.
The ‘minorities’ are feasting on its bones.
My family killed for this bit of earth.
Then their women salted the earth of the garden they had made.
Source date (UTC): 2016-10-26 15:21:00 UTC
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(Today I really miss ukraine, and liliya and inna and donylo and demyan and …
(Today I really miss ukraine, and liliya and inna and donylo and demyan and … and everyone. sigh. But life is so much easier here that it makes me sad for all the people that I love in ukraine. )
Source date (UTC): 2016-10-22 16:39:00 UTC
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(My father was an abusive puritanical tyrant. And like many boys whose self, mot
(My father was an abusive puritanical tyrant. And like many boys whose self, mothers and sisters were under threat, I grew up with a hate of conflict, feeling of responsibility, and drive to defeat tyranny. Add a dose of autism, and a childhood memory of the 60’s and 70’s, and you get someone who wants a meritocratic order where our only possible venue for action is the market, and political change by any other means is not only unavailable due to monarchy, but impossible to exercise through the outlawing of political organizations. it’s not complicated. Monarchy and a market for dispute resolution, a market for commons, and a market for goods, services, and information, and a market for reproduction were far better than the central control of each.)
Source date (UTC): 2016-10-18 10:02:00 UTC
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Love you all. Thank you for sharing this life with me. It’s a privilege
Love you all. Thank you for sharing this life with me. It’s a privilege.
Source date (UTC): 2016-10-04 11:48:00 UTC
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( am I doing the right thing? I have sacrificed everything to work in this probl
( am I doing the right thing? I have sacrificed everything to work in this problem. Will it really matter? )
Source date (UTC): 2016-10-03 11:08:00 UTC
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(Diary) (I wish I understood. I am productive as hell today. I did a lot of walk
(Diary) (I wish I understood. I am productive as hell today. I did a lot of walking yesterday. But I was alone too much yesterday. It’s because I felt very bad for much of the day because I got some preservatives somehow. So I was in ‘confused’ state. I couldn’t write at all. I watched a couple of movies in the hotel lobby. I went to bed very tired. It was too hot at night. I slept with headphones on listening to a book. This morning I’ve had a cappuccino and two eggs and an apple juice. I need a shower (I was too hungry this morning). The ‘noise’ in my autistic monster is calm for some reason. I have no idea why. I love ukraine like crazy today. Gotta be the exercise. All it can be.
Lift heavy things. Walk don’t drive. Sleep. Write.)
Source date (UTC): 2016-10-02 05:40:00 UTC
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Someone asked me yesterday why I was faithful to my wife for two decades, and it
Someone asked me yesterday why I was faithful to my wife for two decades, and it’s very simple: (a) no desire otherwise when you think you have the best there is (b) total adoration of everything about her, (c) the thought of losing her friendship too horrible to bear. (d) mutual value as life partner very hard to replace – (and it isn’t replaceable). (e) Just “You don’t do that where i come from.” After you separate that’s one thing. Before you separate that’s another.
When you are in your twenties and from similar backgrounds that ‘moment in time’ can never exist again. So it is almost impossible to find a shared-mind after that set of moments.
I meet a lot of women I feel like I can love easily. It’s my nature to love easily and to stay loyal. It’s probably similar to my autism in that I like intensity but I hate change.
And I have only met one woman since I was divorced who rocked my socks off in the first five minutes so much that I would do anything for her. And she knows it. And she’s unfortunately married. And that’s something I have a hard time messing with. But I seem to be in the minority on these matters. Especially in this part of the world.
But in general, love is a good thing. And while I am a men’s rights activist, I absolutely love women.
They’re like flowers. Endless variety. Endless Beauty.
As I have gotten older I appreciate mothers and their children as much as I appreciate attractive women.
Fertility is an intertemporal aesthetic.
Source date (UTC): 2016-09-30 05:22:00 UTC
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(It’s because I work the entire day pretty much without breaks except for the th
(It’s because I work the entire day pretty much without breaks except for the three hours or so every night that I devote to b-movies and crash and prank videos.)
Source date (UTC): 2016-09-28 14:47:00 UTC