( sick for a week now. worse today instead of better. can’t get warm. But I see the pattern. I catch a cold but I can’t clear it. So it stays with me forever. This time, I go get meds before it takes me all the way down again. Can’t write or code. ack )
Source date (UTC): 2017-02-26 15:52:00 UTC
( Been sick since I think Sunday? Couldn’t code much this week. Funny that I can still write a bit but I can’t code. Back to work tomorrow I hope. Because I can ALMOST think in code tonight)
Source date (UTC): 2017-02-25 20:20:00 UTC
I’ve been there. Three times. And no. You don’t feel a sense of relief. You do however develop a distinct clarity regarding what is important to you and what not. And you want to do those things and nothing else. When you survive it, you think, very differently about the world, and have far fewer ‘fears’ other than not appreciating every day you have. You could misinterpret this clarity as relief. But you don’t feel relief. You simply relieve yourself of those things that do not matter to you, and worry exclusively about those things that truly do.
https://www.quora.com/Do-you-feel-a-sense-of-relief-when-you-know-you-are-going-to-die-soon
Navin Mithel was the first person in my life to understand that all I do at all times is conduct social science experiments. Until then it never occurred to anyone. They always attribute some other motivation. Which only played into my hand. Because people invariably project upon you those motivations that they would have in your circumstance. And I learned from this. Mostly because I couldn’t even imagine having those motivations.
Source date (UTC): 2017-02-19 09:32:00 UTC
( It just occurred to me that I learned how to do basic operational encryption in second grade. And I learned how to program (taught myself from very simple books) before I learned algebra, and that this ‘operational’ framing was what troubled me when I got into mathematics, because it seemed like I was just guessing all the time, and I felt that was intuitively ‘wrong’. And that it’s that intuition,along with my intuition against induction, that my little autistic subconscious seized upon. … It’s fascinating to look back at the causes of one’s psychology. I mean. How much of my life was framed by reading a book on ‘secret messages’ in second grade? How much more was framed by the fact that I saw complex mazes, and then drew 18×24″ mazes in painful detail? How much more by learning to draw in perspective, then imagining and drawing the timber-structures – drawing the skeletons of victorian homes? How much by soldering together a primitive digital computer when I was 13? How much by my recognition that something was wrong with physics when i learned the light-slit experiment. How much by the classes in electronic engineering … and the ridiculous simplicity of it as reducible to ohms law – and that everything interesting was in the materials science of conductors and insulators, or programming the software, but not in the engineering itself? …. I’m perfect aware that my reading of encyclopedias informed by later study of the history of art, and later history of economics, and recent interest in the history of thought, and current history of western man’s ‘unique difference’: sovereignty. )
Source date (UTC): 2017-02-13 09:41:00 UTC
People are such weaklings today. I mean, what about breaking Freddy’s ribs by kicking him while he was down, breaking David’s nose that bled like hell. Fights at the bus stop with unbeatable, future stalker-murderers. Other fights where the best you can hope for is getting a hold until the other guy gives up. Running away from fights you can’t possibly win. Getting lost in corn fields. Rolling smoke bombs in class. Throwing snowballs at the older guys and running away from them laughing and then spending the next two weeks avoiding them. Pranking teachers a hundred ways with chalk dust. Setting field-fires that spread so fast you can’t outrun them, and melting your sneakers and losing your eyelashes and eyebrows. Snowballs at cars. Pouring gas on the road and lighting it on fire. Moving orange traffic cones into dead ends or nonsensical directions. Prank phone calls. Snow Forts. Blowing stuff up with gunpowder from discarded shells and leftover fireworks. Model rockets with explosive payloads. Threatening and infrequently shooting the bigger guys with a bow and arrow. Motorcycle and mini-bike races where we broke bones. Driving around rural towns pranking people by switching all the political signs in a neighborhood between the parties. Playing trashcan bowling and making a hell of a mess. Running from the police at 3:00am because you’ve been climbing telephone poles. Running from the police because you’ve been shooting out street lights with your wrist-rockets. Pinching girl’s backsides to see which one’s would laugh – and getting dates that way (really). Selling by the pound to pay for your party habit. Racing with other guys down back roads late at night trying to start a fight – or more realistically – preserving the thrill of the possibility without bringing it into fruition. “Parking” in the woods and enjoying every minute of it. Stealing the other team’s mascott. Hanging a mannequin on the flagpole of Mcdonald’s. Doing purple microdot and then going sledding and realizing the ten second lag between action and perception. Unsuccessful Panty raids in the dorms. Borrowing money you don’t have, and acquiring small companies and flipping them. Turning in your boss for criminal activity. Doing a hostile takeover of a company, and later being the subject of a hostile takeover. Writing propaganda against a political order that can’t tell the difference between mischief that prepares us for war and harm.
The only people worthy of respect are the adrenaline junkies in extreme sports. And no wonder we need them. We leave oppressively tedious lives.
Source date (UTC): 2017-02-12 09:59:00 UTC
( I am seeing the effects in my coding and in my writing of the vitamin D, L-theanine, magnesium, and melatonin. I’m accumulating, or recovering, sleep, and my thoughts flow more easily. I can, we can, thank my sister because it’s all her. )
Source date (UTC): 2017-02-10 13:53:00 UTC
GRANDCHILDREN
I want more grandchildren. It’s a really strange feeling. But it’s … it’s not just a feeling of power, or of accomplishment, or success, but of something higher: ‘it made a difference we were here’. The western heroic tradition: “To leave this world transformed for the better for having lived in it”.
I think I’m good for at least two more but I’d like at least six.
Source date (UTC): 2017-02-08 10:46:00 UTC
Привіт Ніна. 🙂 Думаючи про вас і сім’я сьогодні. Я сподіваюся, що у тебе був хороший Новий рік. Я працюю як людина, яка риє канави весь день і всю ніч. Так, я використовую комп’ютер і принаймні слова не є тяжкими. Але моя клавіатура буде просити про помилування найближчим часом. Спасибі за всю вашу доброту. Miss вас всіх. – Обійми. 🙂
Source date (UTC): 2017-02-07 10:42:00 UTC
‘Cause I have people I care about and the only way to help them and help me is to ‘get it done’. It’s just a lot of work to get it done. Good thing I love working…..
Source date (UTC): 2017-02-05 17:47:00 UTC