People are such weaklings today. I mean, what about breaking Freddy’s ribs by ki

People are such weaklings today. I mean, what about breaking Freddy’s ribs by kicking him while he was down, breaking David’s nose that bled like hell. Fights at the bus stop with unbeatable, future stalker-murderers. Other fights where the best you can hope for is getting a hold until the other guy gives up. Running away from fights you can’t possibly win. Getting lost in corn fields. Rolling smoke bombs in class. Throwing snowballs at the older guys and running away from them laughing and then spending the next two weeks avoiding them. Pranking teachers a hundred ways with chalk dust. Setting field-fires that spread so fast you can’t outrun them, and melting your sneakers and losing your eyelashes and eyebrows. Snowballs at cars. Pouring gas on the road and lighting it on fire. Moving orange traffic cones into dead ends or nonsensical directions. Prank phone calls. Snow Forts. Blowing stuff up with gunpowder from discarded shells and leftover fireworks. Model rockets with explosive payloads. Threatening and infrequently shooting the bigger guys with a bow and arrow. Motorcycle and mini-bike races where we broke bones. Driving around rural towns pranking people by switching all the political signs in a neighborhood between the parties. Playing trashcan bowling and making a hell of a mess. Running from the police at 3:00am because you’ve been climbing telephone poles. Running from the police because you’ve been shooting out street lights with your wrist-rockets. Pinching girl’s backsides to see which one’s would laugh – and getting dates that way (really). Selling by the pound to pay for your party habit. Racing with other guys down back roads late at night trying to start a fight – or more realistically – preserving the thrill of the possibility without bringing it into fruition. “Parking” in the woods and enjoying every minute of it. Stealing the other team’s mascott. Hanging a mannequin on the flagpole of Mcdonald’s. Doing purple microdot and then going sledding and realizing the ten second lag between action and perception. Unsuccessful Panty raids in the dorms. Borrowing money you don’t have, and acquiring small companies and flipping them. Turning in your boss for criminal activity. Doing a hostile takeover of a company, and later being the subject of a hostile takeover. Writing propaganda against a political order that can’t tell the difference between mischief that prepares us for war and harm.

The only people worthy of respect are the adrenaline junkies in extreme sports. And no wonder we need them. We leave oppressively tedious lives.