Form: Diary

I just had a very horrible insight that I’ve got to work through. I think it’s been on edge of my consciousness for a week or so – a logical conclusion of studying the differences and similarities between chinese and western strategies….

(diary)

( Increasingly feeling back on my game. thanks to family, friends, and one friend’s advice in particular ( Megan K. Usui ) I mean, you can overdo it for a couple of years, but man, at my age, I don’t come back from a hard crash like that in ninety days anymore. It’s been six months and I finally feel like my brain is working again. I kept trying too hard to overwork instead of recovering first and it just didn’t work this time. )

( damn. i wish solving some of these problems didn’t take me so long, but once I’ve solved them it always seems to have been worthwhile. It’s just read, question, read more, try and argument, and repeat until you can do it. Then do it over and over again until you can do it clearly. Then do it over and over again until you can make some sort of aphorism out of it. )

( diary)

Health recovery update. Ran about a mile or so today. Slow run out, Sprints back. Wasn’t even that hard. Recovered immediately. Recovered faster than the late 00’s. That’ really surprised me. I mean. I had cancer the last time I went for a ‘run’ in the states. I had a gall bladder and liver infection last time I went for a bike ride in canada. I just couldn’t recover. I was able to walk and sprint in Ukraine. But I think the air quality in Kiev and Lviv were what made it hard on me. Sure it’s the first time out. And yes, I don’t wanna screw it up. Because I only feel moderately back on my feet for the past two weeks or so. But if I can run two miles a day, and then lift some weights I might get my juice back. This winter… I was a dead man walking. I had no idea what terrible condition my body mind and health were in. It’s no wonder I was having such a hard time getting work done.

ack… I remember trying to run with my wife Allora around the park in Boston and not understanding why I was having such a hard time (asthma and cancer). As a kid I ran everywhere.

I remember how hard it was to run two miles back in the late 90’s when i didn’t know how Ill I was.

Stress is a killer. Doctors are highly questionable diagnosticians.

(My job is very hard. I work at it very hard. I do almost nothing else. I do it to my detriment. The intellectual world is full of sacred cows and land mines, and you have to make a lot of enemies, and take a lot of damage to discover that which others fear to.)

(diary)(health update)

OK. So I have been back in the states for about six months staying with family and working on software, writing, and my health. It took about the first three months to get over the pneumonia or whatever it was that had been dogging me for a year. That took me until about mid January. By mid-march I started getting my strength back. Starting in mid April, on family and doctor’s advice, I’ve cut down my work day substantially to about six hours, slept more, and over the past two weeks, eaten more – and over the past week or so, I feel like I’m close to getting back on my feet. My skin looks much better. Wrinkles are going. My eyes look better. And ideas are flowing much better. And I’m not sucking on my adrenaline gland twenty hours a day.

If feels like I just need to get fit again now. And the fact that it sounds ‘enjoyable’ is probably evidence of my recovery. (Want to thank Megan for telling me I sounded ‘fragile’, which is what made me think that I needed to slow down if I wanted to recover faster. And so far it’s working. )

I am not sure how much of it’s the season, how much of it’s ditching the pneumonia, and how much of it’s just simple recovery. But I take about half my previous prescription and I feel fine.

(Well, to be honest I feel fine other than [RANT] the daily saturation in american (bullshit) news, television, marketing, advertising. And the daily reminder that this part of central connecticut, which, as territory on this earth, was once as glorious as west france and southern england, is continuing to follow detroit because of the concentration of dysgenics in combination with white flight to economic opportunity. I mean, I like the farmers on this side of the river. But the other side of the river, from Springfield MA, through Hartford to New Haven/Bridgeport, and then up to Danbury and Waterbury is basically a slum. And the Puerto Rican’s have destroyed Willimantic and New Britain as thoroughly as the blacks destroyed Hartford and New Haven (and Baltimore, and Detroit, and Cincinnati, and Oakland and…. You get the point. It’s sad. [/RANT] )

Anyway.

Slow progress on software, but progress. I can only work a few hours a day or i’m less effective than doing nothing. Great progress on philosophy in the first quarter without much effort Probably due to sleeping. Intro to courses script done. Working on the “what is philosophy” scripts. Working on Declaration and Constitution (which rocks). This balance seems possible for now. I assume that as usual, as I increase my fitness my work capacity will return.

I miss ukraine every day, and I miss it a lot. It hurts really.