Source: Facebook

(humor)

me: (to myself) “I feel like being a d-ck. I’m going to work a something where it’s ok to be a d-ck”

little old lady: (to me) “Well you could write a whole book on that subject in one evening.”

(sigh)

I don’t think she’s going to survive the quarantine. lol

(where the little old lady wants to put me in a wood chipper)

(humor)

Me: (as usual, working).

little old lady: (emptying the dishwasher) (attention seeking) “You aren’t doing anything. You should be doing your laundry. Or something useful. I’m gonna throw that thing (computer) out the window.”

me: “Listen you trouble maker. You keep interrupting me then this plague is the least of your worries.” (chuckling)

(time passes)

her: “middletown has lots of mafia. does the mafia have an unlisted number?”

me: “what?”

her: (just audible) “I’ve got a problem. they’ll fix it. I dunno how many times I’ve been offered ‘you want me to take care of it?’… well, now’s a good time. nobody will know how it happened. they won’t be able to find the body. they’re good at that. they have wood chippers. big machines that chew up the remains. I bet once they meet you the’ll give me an unlisted number.”

me: (trying to keep coffee coming out of my nose)

(time passes)

her: do I have to call middletown. You laugh. It’s not a laughing matter. You have a choice.

me: What’s my choice?

Her: “Well, you could be kneeling in the water by the river when they shoot you. But they have other ways. They have specialists in the field. They know how to do it. Hmm???”

me: “but I still don’t know what my choice is?”

her: “You’ll have to talk to them directly.” … (to the ceiling) “He thinks its funny.” “… I was at (restaurant I won’t mention), having a spritzer with my husband and (other couple), conversation came around to my father. He said ‘you want me to take care of him?’ I’m sure I could find him again.”

(this nonsense goes on for twenty minutes, without me saying anything. See? It’s not just me. And seriously, it’s the whole family.)

her: “I don’t have any water.”

me: “you just spent half an hour talking about how you were gonna have the mafia put me in a wood chipper and you want me to get you a glass of ice water?”

her: “just don’t go out after dark”.

(sigh)

(teaching the little old lady to fetch)

little old lady: “Can I have the remote?”

me: (I hate the television with a passion) “This?”

her: (look of resignation that says ‘what’s he gonna do now’)

me: (waving the remote) “Fetch betty, fetch!” (tosses it across the room onto the couch.)

her: (looks the other way, exasperated)

me: (false look of disappointment) “training parents takes forever”.

her: “Some day Doolittle I’m going to make you pay”.

(and yes, I do eventually give her the remote and then put my headphones on.)