Form: Diary

( Many times, as a young boy, I stood there, quietly, at night, in the dark, breathing slowly, deeply, and carefully, over my sleeping father, with a knife in my hands, thinking how badly he needed to die – to stop his violence against us; but that I didn’t know what would happen to my mother and sisters afterward. And that uncertainty is the only reason I let him live. I am not afraid of death and never have been. I’m not afraid of killing and never have been. However, the cost is very high to those around you. And I have had my life’s mission to fulfill. And while there are many people who might need killing, the vast majority of them are simply too broken, stupid, and ignorant to know better. And hurting them is too much like cruelty, or cruelty to animals – which I can’t bear. It’s the people who self righteously, from positions of power, or greed, or envy that do need killing – not the idiot that simply needs to be treated as the domesticated animal he is – and kept from harming himself and others. It’s the lie that we are equal and these people don’t need such constraints and the lie that killing is evil when we punish the wicked that’s the source of our problems – christianity has been a disaster – hanging is far more successful than imprisonment. Either every man is a sheriff, and we are all brothers in arms, and we take responsibility for the extremely incompetent, the criminal, and the extremely unjust, or we are serfs, slaves, and prisoners of both the high and the low – for no other reason other than our lack of will. )

TRAUMA ETC

(open book policy is the best self defense)

Nah. No secret. Easy: Aspiness, Alcoholic father (but Amazing mother), violent childhood with lots of fist fighting. Long history of illness, Cancer twice, some nasty biz stuff. So, I’m not special in any of those regards. Autism can be best explained by the “intense world hypothesis” which basically means we have fewer filters. So everything is LOUDER (more intense) so to speak. It took a lot of work to develop enough filters (mindfulness). Hence my understanding of the combination of the stoics on method and nietzsche and aryanism on the ‘overman’. I’m hyper competitive and I love it, and I have low agreeableness, and an off the chart sense of orderliness, so you know…. I can (and love to) fight through anything – unfortunately, that too often includes my body’s ability to sustain life (and good judgement). lol. So it’s nothing complicated. Aspieness is just an amplifier, so Aspie+Trauma is … challenging. And that is why I try to help other guys on the spectrum. Because I understand there is very little help out there for them. When I went through it we didn’t know this stuff. I’d save others the pain if I can. It’s cathartic.