Form: Diary

(personal silly stuff) (diary) (the construction of dreams)

( Recurring nightmare that I’m in a play but cant remember my lines – which in a dream state makes perfect sense – then flows into a rehearsal for a movie with the same scene from the play, and i’m trying to tell the other actor – who is supposedly dying in this scene – that it feels like he’s supporting my weight instead of me his, and it doesn’t make sense, only to have the director tell me that this is the movie set, not the play, and rob lowe plays this character, and what is wrong with me? And unaware that I am dreaming, I think I’ve had a cognitive episode and apologize. Then I realize that I’ve lost my iPhone and credit card, and in a panic I retrace my steps through various shops that I visited in a sequential endless hell of home-depot’s and discount retailers – i don’t like big stores with lots of bad quality merchandise because it overwhelms my ocd reaction to ugliness – in this strange city that I’ve constructed in memory through repeated dreams, merging boston, new york and london with bits of venice, so much so that I can’t distinguish this city from reality. Then as panic increases, I think about my loss of grip on reality, and what that will mean for my business, work, and my friends. And then I start thinking about all the problems losing this iphone and credit card is going to cause me, and I finally wake up. I have a lot of recurring ‘nightmares’ if you can call them that. This ‘city’ is the most recent one of developed. The oldest is from a fear of cellars, basements, caves, tunnels and the fact that in the relative’s funeral homes, there were bodies downstairs and I never really adjusted to that fact. I am afraid these two will eventually merge into a dream world so complete that I can’t leave it. And while awake, I know what caused me to dream each of those things today – understanding that dreams are the product of free association with whatever is accumulated in your memory during the day. And the fact that through recurrence, they increasingly feel real, is disturbing. I mean, I can navigate through that dream city as clearly as I can navigate through a favorite video game level. I have had dreams of video game levels, and I’ve also looked at old video game clips and been horrified how real I remember them to be. The real world, video game worlds and dream worlds, and dreams combining them. When I was younger I seemed to be able to lucidly dream and control my dreams a bit. I’ve lost it. But when I am in some cave deep underground and all of a sudden I realize that there are bodies under the floorboards, I wish I still had it. )

We went shopping at a new mall last night that wasn’t finished.

She left her phone upstairs at the restaurant, and I was worried – a lot.

I took a taxi to a different part of the city with a driver I didn’t trust.

Met a lot of new people I couldn’t speak with.

Listened to a brief about a (russian) startup that sounded pseudoscientific.

Nervous about making a toast and not knowing what to say.

Writing a bit on the executive summary.

Thinking about travel costs for the next month.

I couldn’t seem to keep my phone charged today because the external battery kept coming unplugged.

Fell asleep watching a movie thinking the director was not coaching his actors.

No control over the muse at all. Some days it’s gone. Other days I can’t write it all down fast enough. Today is the latter.

(someone’s finally home in aspie-land. my magic box is talking to me again. so the bug I caught must be nearly over with. I asked around and no one seems to know what made hayek unable to work for so long. I wonder if it was a similar experience.)

( The magic box is good for nothing today. Nobody’s home at the house of autism. Not sure what it’s up to but it’s certainly not philosophy or business. Can’t think straight at all. 🙁 The muse took a vacation day. Sigh. )

(Spent the past two days trying to find my glasses. Just found them on Alex’s desk. I took them off to write on the nearby white board. Set them down near his cables. And they ‘disappeared’ in the visual noise. And no. It’s not age. I’ve been doing this all my life. lol I go through three or four pair of glasses a year. But soon I can blame it on a senior moment. lol)

(still sick. damn. thought i’d get over it today. on the road in the morning though.)

(lol Feeling terrible. But, there is a life-sized stuffed animal – a black spaniel – on the couch here in the lobby where I am working. My inner child wants to hug it. And I am *almost* comfortable doing it. lol….. Almost.)

Yesterday we picked up my car and the garage owner had I dunno, four dogs of the “I’m not too old and I have a lot of other dogs around me, but you’re interesting” kind of character that only dogs with a pack ever seem to feel.

One had a burr in his fur from playing in the fields and woods. And none of them had seen a bath lately. But it was still awfully hard not to take one home with me. 😉

(I hate being sick. I have all these words that I want to come out of my fingertips, but they just stay inside, floating like Cheerio’s in milk, perfectly content to remain where they are. I’ve actually forgotten what it’s like not to have something I want or need to write about. What do normal people do with themselves? What do they think about if they don’t write?)