Category: Personal Reflections and Diary

“NIETZSCHE ENVY”

Nietzsche and the joy of wandering.

When I came to the Ukraine, my idea, was that I would either start the business, or I would buy a toyota truck and drive from london to mongolia by the most dangerous and uncivilized route possible before there were no such routes left to travel. The sort of minimalist adventure travel that I would use to cleanse my soul (and body) of the 2000’s.

For most of my childhood I had mini-bikes and small motorcycles, and my sense of freedom was sated by exploring on them, or on bicycles. Today, I realize the range I covered was less than ten miles in all directions. But that was what freedom meant to me: exploration.

But you know, I know Nietzsche had health problems, and I have had plenty of them too. And he spent a lot of time ‘wandering around’. And you know, it turns out that if all you want to do is think, then wandering around is a pretty good way of doing it.

And then, you sort of remember how awesome life is on a motorcycle, and you’re actually connected with the world rather than insulated from it. And you read a few articles by people who have spent a year traveling. And, then, you think, that even if your soul is already cleansed, maybe there is room now to fill it with joy.

MORE ON AUTISM, ASPIE-NESS AND LIFE

You know, I had a very troubled childhood and it gave me my desire for success – financial and environmental independence so that I would be free of the terrible decisions of others. I have sort of two subconscious drivers from that childhood: I have to protect everyone, and I have to have enough money to be safe – and safe from ‘ordinary people’.

Back in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s being an Aspie was not a very easy thing. Everyone is ‘harshing’ on your happiness all the time – telling you that you will be happier if you do what other people do. Except all that stuff seems really stupid and boring and i’d really rather either read science fiction or an encyclopedia or try to figure out how to arrange my room differently. OK? It’s just really bizarre.

I actually went through childhood thinking that the world was full of idiots and crazy people – like zombies – but that they were in charge so I needed to get along with them and help them. I was never non-conformist. I mean, these poor fools are trying to run the world right? OMG. I dont’ want to make it even worse! If I help them a little bit they don’t annoy me too much and I can read science fiction and try to draw the internal wood structures of these victorian houses by imagining what’s behind the clapboards.

Really. I swear to god. That is how I thought.

WOMEN

Women can make it worse. They are really awesome creatures. They are like the best-est most wonderfuly-good-smelling, soft, yummy things in the world PLUS they can explain emotions and stuff like that to you and it makes the world a LOT less exasperating. And you just have to be nice to them, listen to them, do stuff for them and give them your money. And it’s like magic. They make you part of the real world.

And because they’re really good smelling, and soft and fascinating and helpful and stuff, they make you connect with the world. You don’t sort of fall into your head for three weeks at a time and then come up for air without any knowledge of time passing.

But, the problem is, that they want you to feel all this stuff. And you say “Well, you know, it’s not like I don’t want to. It’s that I don’t and I can’t feel what you feel. I mean, if someone is color blind, you don’t criticize them because they can’t tell the difference between red and green. But it’s not OK, and you can somehow criticize me if I can’t tell the difference between bored and angry facial expressions.”

Now if you TELL me how you feel I can understand that. But I can’t SEE it unless you tell me. ‘It all looks the same to me. I rely on body language because that seems to work. But I have to concentrate to use it. And if I am thinking about something terribly fascinating like how they manufactured the parts to this chair here, or how the water vapor accumulates over this geography, I won’t notice your body language. Really. Its not that interesting. I’m sorry. It’s not.

Other Aspies and ASD’s are really interesting because they talk about interesting stuff. They are fun to be around. It is the only time we feel really normal. ‘Cause other people think like us. Really smart normals tend to think a lot like us too. But they have all these verbal ticks and status cues that are really annoyingly confusing.

SERIOUSNESS

So I did my duty. I got educated. I got married. I got wealthy. I ran companies. I built companies. I got cancer a couple of times. I got very sick a couple more times.

And you know, I sort of had this incredible epiphany that none of it really mattered. I mean, It’s great to prove that you CAN do something. You should experience all the life that you can while we have it. But that doesn’t mean you want to do a lot of it.

Now, for me, business is trivially easy. Seriously. I can develop strategy on just about any business there is, because I’m fascinated with economics and collecting information about any given business. I never, ever get tired of it. And it’s so freaking obvious that I can’t understand why people do it WRONG so often. (They should read Karl Popper and Austrian economics.)

So I have had my fancy cars, and my two houses and my corporations and my travel-lifestyle, and I wasn’t happy at all. Because I’d have do force myself to adjust all the time. It was really interesting. Really. Fun. And really no one can ever say to me that I can’t do anything. ‘Cause I can do it repeatedly even if I haven’t got a cent to start with.

THE WHY

But I realize that the only reason I do this stuff is so that I can have a woman, and afford to have a woman, and have her explain the world and insulate me from the world. But that it’s circular. It’s working for having a woman that is actually making me unhappy. If I have to do this to have a woman, then I either need a different one, or not to have one at all.

Instead, if I loved my Aspiness, rather than fought for normalness, I would be a lot happier. I would work and write on a problem that requires a whole lot of thinking. I would work at the part of work I like rather than the part I had to in order to maintain my control over a whole lot of people. I wouldn’t be sick all the time. I wouldn’t be stressed all the time. And I might live a bit longer too.

The problem then, either doing without a woman by learning to connect with the world on your own. Or finding a woman who isn’t wrapped up in all this materialism stuff that they find so absurdly fascinating. Someone who doesn’t want you to feel differently than you feel. Or feel what you can’t.

I set out to do both.

VICTORY

I am really good at connecting with the world. I can work a room like nobody’s business. I just had to live in a place with high population density so that I’m around people I can readily interact with all the time. So I do.

I try to avoid television and computer games and to work instead. And only use entertainment when I cannot do anything else. Not as a form of medication.

I am perfectly fine on my own now. Although I have trouble training women still. For some reason they keep chasing me. I tell them its a bad idea, but they keep at it. 🙂

So, now I have my political and economic philosophy to obsess over, I have a small company that doesn’t have any debt, I produce something I believe in, and I work with really smart nerdy folk who understand and appreciate me. I try to have as few possessions as I can. And that last bit is really important to me. I try not to change contexts too much. Travel is something I reserve for necessity. I live in what is for me the best place on earth.

I love my inner Aspie and I dont fight it. I feed it. I care for it. And I am happy.

Cash is freedom. Possessions are a prison. Marry your work. Love everyone you can as much as possible. That’s bad for a consumption economy but it’s really good for us.

And I suspect that it is something more men should think about. Because Atusim is just MALENESS exaggerated a LOT.

It’s just sad that it took me more than half my life to figure it out.

Cheers