Category: Personal Reflections and Diary

(diary)

Some days (some months or seasons) like yesterday, I just want to forget it. Give it up. Then days like today I look at the outline of the whole book, and what it means for my people if not all mankind, and I think that my feelings don’t matter. That this is something that must be done, and it is not a man’s choice to make when moral consequences are so high. After all. what is the difference between martial sacrifice, political sacrifice, economic sacrifice, intellectual sacrifice, and emotional sacrifice other than the rapidity of the expenditure of the energy, and the duration of the suffering necessary for the sacrifice? And honestly, “fuck you” to the people who are too selfish and ignorant to understand that these are sacrifices for moral ends. And that regardless of our sacrifices, we choose to make them despite the penalty we pay for them. Some people for accolades. Some people for duty that we understand. Some of moral duty beyond our understanding – because regardless of the price, the failure to pay it is more horrific than the high price of paying.

( really, really, really bad day. no idea why. the magic and monstrous autistic machine in my head has latched onto some problem or other and although I can’t see anything yet, I can sure as hell ‘feel it’ back there crushing rocks – and whatever it’s doing I don’t like it. I wonder what it’s like for normal people. Do normal people know what’s bothering them? Usually, my aspie machine freaks when it senses uncertainty. It wants the same ritual every day. It doesn’t like change at all. I wants to do what it wants, regardless of what I want. Right now it wants to do something there than what I’m doing. )