CLUB I DON’T LIKE BEING A MEMBER OF (diary)(very personal)(not for general reade

http://brainz.org/10-philosophers-who-were-mentally-disturbed/ANOTHER CLUB I DON’T LIKE BEING A MEMBER OF

(diary)(very personal)(not for general readers)

I’m trying to think how I went from ‘troubled autistic’ to ‘a bit crazy’. (Although I want to state that my reasoning is still top-shelf, as long as it has nothing to do with me or my life. lol )

I loved life before college. I didn’t love it afterward. I have to think about this more but I’m pretty sure that the university experience (and my girlfriend) forced me to set a materialistic bar for myself that was higher than I could achieve comfortably given my emotional developmental immaturity.

I lost confidence in myself with my first illness in 86. But I made up for it with determination. I got it mostly back by 92 because of Allora. I did ok through about ’02 although photos of me in that period show how clearly ill I was. The cancer did me in, and I remember very clearly when I sort of ‘lost it’ was when they told me it might have spread. Between that and withdrawing from the pain medication, something just wasn’t ‘right’ with me any longer. But as usual, I just made up for it with determination.

I think that the accumulated illnesses were getting to me, and in 04-06 I sort of went downhill fairly rapidly. Then by 08/09 I was pretty much disconnected from reality entirely.

By my second bout of cancer in 09, I was ill from an overworked immune system pretty much constantly. And I was getting very tired of life. Between the cancer, the divorce, the loss of anchors, I was seeking life-rafts everywhere I could find them, and eventually the only one that made sense was to simply get away from all the stresses.

In retrospect I understand that I was successful as a partner to Jim Beebe in business, and successful as a partner to Allora in family life, and Todd Colby as my friend, but I am not competent in any area of life, business, family, or private without a ‘governor’. Jim, Todd, and Allora are analytic, task-oriented people and quite creative. I can process a great deal of ‘future possibility’ from current information, and come up with opportunities. And this is useful for task driven people. But, it’s this combination with others that made me appear successful because I am only functional as a human being as part of a ‘team’ so to speak, where others compensate for what I lack, and I am a tool others can use.

So when Jim told me he wanted to leave the business, and Allora surprised me with a child, and Todd moved further away, I think those three things just removed my only anchors. And then our investor succeeded in dividing Jim and I that sort of doomed not only me but our company. And as a consequence me and my marriage.

I would like to try to explore the feeling I get from a good business partner, and a good life partner (wife/girlfriend). It’s not just friendship and companionship. It’s like …. a sort of ‘lens’ through which I can see human reality. I feel ‘alive’, or ‘awake’, or ‘connected’ or ‘aware’. So if I have lenses to see thru I can stay grounded.

The same is true in business. I love having a partner that understands the details but wants a creative solution. I love a partner that’s pragmatic while I’m a perfectionist. I love a woman that’s pragmatic while I’m idealistic. I love a partner who makes a nest while I make money. But without either, I am this walking half-person-robot that some of my friends accuse me of being. It’s like I don’t know how to interpret the world without a lens to look through. So the simple things are impossible for me, and the hard things are trivial.

So this means that my successes in life are the product of pairing with others. And that may failures in life are the product of trying to do things by myself without peer-partners. Unfortunately, the whole peer thing is pretty hard to come by.

Here in Ukraine, or all of Europe, life is easier for me, since life here is more people-centric rather than acquisition-centric. It is much less lonely. There is much less signaling going on everywhere. And much more duty. Less insecurity, and less attention-seeking. And so sitting in a room with 12 Ukrainians feels more real to me, with more ‘lenses’ even though I can barely understand the language.

In this culture my effusive friendliness always gets a smile and I make ‘acquaintances’ very easily. But I cannot employ my mind as easily as I can in English speaking countries. So I feel more ‘successful’ as a human being here. Even though at this level of development, there is very little I can do as an entrepreneur. And .. strangely, I find that ‘ok’.

(The American model is not a good one unless we return to small states).