(diary entry) Self Awareness day today. Christian forgiveness is overrated. It d

(diary entry)

Self Awareness day today.

Christian forgiveness is overrated. It does tend to keep you positive. It keeps you from spinning wasted time and effort on retribution. But I have this need to punish. It’s part of the purity or authority response?

You cannot make people see the error of their ways. They will never ‘understand’ and they have no incentive to. The best that you can do is to punish them enough so that they avoid doing any such thing again.

I have been too christianized. I’ve been trying to help well intentioned fools see the light. To see the error of their ways. But the mind does not permit this without extraordinary effort and incentive – especially when they have failed.

Why take the submissive christian position? In stead, why not revel in one’s punishment of folly, greed, and evil?

I punished the Koenigs(almost ruined). I punished Golub(totally ruined). I punished Seminoff(totally ruined). I did not punish Pacheco, I just left. He did no wrong. I punished my ex-wives a bit – although not enough. I punished Alessandro Muti a bit. I punished Eric Anderson pretty thoroughly. My ex partners reap their own punishment. I must only revel in it a bit. I have two people I feel I must punish before I die.

I stopped thinking in terms of punishment when I understood that it was making me unhappy. So to punish then forgive was the best combination that I could come up with. I cannot simply forgive.

The world does not want the moral. It wants the useful. It wants greed. It wants laziness. It wants to feel righteous.

It is quite possible that I have made a grand mistake out of fear of poverty. That I would have been much happier as a starving artist and philosopher. But as that person, I would not necessarily have obtained the knowledge that has made me a good philosopher – which I see as the purpose of my life.

In this analysis my career has been a failure. A misapplication of talents. It has not made me happy. I am not sure the wealth made me happy – other than to prove that I can do it repeatedly.

I have to think about this some more. I have only so many years left.