DIVORCE / RELATIONSHIP SUCCES I am about as opposite from the postmodern, progre

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0805814027/ref=tsm_1_fb_lkPREDICTING DIVORCE / RELATIONSHIP SUCCES

I am about as opposite from the postmodern, progressive, new age, nonsensical fabricated reality that a person can be. But I do care about normal human relationships.

John Gottman has made a career out of studying marriages both successful an failed. He has written a series of books, (all which say the same thing.) But it’s based upon pretty good science. This article is a brief summary of why relationships fail. It is why my marriage to Allora failed when the disagreements became greater than each other could tolerate.

I remember sitting in the living room looking up at her and saying “Do you tell everyone you know how much you hate your husband?’. And countless times “I’m flooded.” Which in male terms means your brain has shut down from all the negative emotion, and you don’t have any emotions any longer, you’re just numb. It’s not that you don’t care. It’s that nothing is working at all.

1) Harsh Start To Conversation: “When one partner begins the discussion using a harsh startup, such as being negative, accusatory or using contempt, the discussion is basically doomed to fail.”

2) Criticism: “Why are you so selfish? It was really nasty of you to lead me on.

You should have told me earlier that you were too tired to make love.”

3) Contempt: Criticism can lead to contemptuous comments directed at one’s partner. Some examples of contempt are when a person uses “sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor”

Contempt communicates disgust.

4) Defense: Becoming defensive is the usual reaction to being treated with contempt or criticized, but it is not a solution. It simply means they don’t know what else to do.

5) Tune Out / Stonewalling: The escalating conflict usually leads to one partner tuning out the other and stonewalling.

6) Flooding: Flooding means that your spouse’s negativity – whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness – is so overwhelming and so sudden, that it leaves you disconnected, numb and confused.”

7) Body Language: Physiological changes in the body that coincide with flooding, such as an increased heart rate, the secretion of adrenalin, and an increase in blood pressure, are the fourth sign that enables Gottman to predict divorce. These physiological changes in the body make it impossible to maintain the discussion. Creative problem solving disappears You’re left

with the most reflexive, intellectually unsophisticated responses in your repertoire: to fight (act critical, contemptuous, or defensive) or flee (stonewall) A problem solving discussion that leads to one or both partners becoming

flooded is doomed to fail. Consequently, their problem cannot be resolved.

8) The next sign that a marriage is bound to end in divorce is when one

partner’s attempts at repairing the conflict fails. Repair attempts are efforts made by the couple to deescalate the conflict.

9) The final sign that divorce is inevitable is when the couple recalls their past

life together with a negative view.

ADVICE

1) Start all discussions positively.

2) The “repair attempt” is the happy couple’s secret weapon.

NAGGING

Nagging does not work. You might think that you’re helping your man, but it does not work. Your spouse will always see nagging as criticism of failure, and helping as disapproval or accusation of weakness. Men live in a world of exchanges with men, and seeking approval from women. Women live in a world of caretaking. You cannot alter this reality. We could not exist as human beings if we did otherwise.

http://www.amazon.com/What-Predicts-Divorce-Relationship-Processes/dp/0805814027