(diary entry) (You know, I love my god, but sometimes I wish he would use a litt

(diary entry)

(You know, I love my god, but sometimes I wish he would use a little less … unpleasant means … of telling me what I need to do next. … Now, I admit that it is very hard to get through my thick skull and past the autism-barrier. And sure, I admit that I get stuck on sidetracks easily. And I admit most of all that I am resistant to changes in context. But given that I have devoted my entire life to his service. And despite the fact that he seems to be very demanding, and not terribly kind, you would think he would drop solutions and encouragement a little more obviously in my lap than the rather circuitous and painful route he almost always chooses. I am not selfish enough to think that he is testing me. I don’t think I have all that much agency anyway – I think I am merely a resource that will serve a purpose or be expended in trying. But the whole whip-the-boy-until-he-does-it kind of thing just seems … less productive than more proactive methods might be. … Now you see, I believe in god, I talk to god every day. I pray to him frequently. It’s a pretty personal relationship. But my god is nothing like the gods of Semites. That is just a stage costume or the masses. If I read history, he is far more like one of the original British, Germanic, Norse, and Greco-roman gods. And about as charming – so to speak. But it works for me. )