(diary) —“You are gentle. Your voice, your mannerisms, your easy laugh (giggle

(diary)

—“You are gentle. Your voice, your mannerisms, your easy laugh (giggle really). You are fucking smart. You are a no bullshit guy. You are also of unyielding raw brutality. You are naturally raw – some human subtleties escape you.”—

Yesterday, from a long-time female friend and soul mate.

Still soul searching: I think divorce, my second bout of cancer, and my consequential infections, and the hostile takeover of the business after I saved it just exhausted me. And I tried to just go into fully peaceful mode – a sort of submissiveness.

I grew up with daily violence I wanted no part of. Innately, I prefer to be a hamster. But, I’m hella good at brutality. I just don’t like it. On the other hand, in retrospect, every time I try to be a nice guy it bites me and every time I keep it hardcore it’s rewarding. Certainly Seattle people remember the brutal side of me. It’s not hard to be brutal, you just work purely logically and without regard to feelings. Feelings are very costly.

Anyway. Like all things, balance.